A few of my friends who are going through IVF have inspired me to share my IVF experiences with everyone. IVF is one of the most emotional experiences a women can go through. It is a constant emotional roller-coaster! IVF is not something that you can just forget about, there are constant reminders everywhere! Weather it's seeing a mother holding her child, seeing baby clothes at the mall, or family and friends having babies. You need to be strong every day and know in your heart that your time will come.
Where does my story begin....
Well, it all started when my husband and I found out we were carriers of Spinal Muscle Atrophy. We were devastated when we found out, we felt all of our dreams of having a family were shattered. We then decided that we need to figure out our options if we wanted a family. We could either try naturally or do in-vitro fertilization. We talked to many SMA families and learned how devastating this disease can be. Knowing our carrier status, my husband and I both felt that we didn't want to take that chance.
I then started researching IVF clinics around the world. Yes, we were willing to go to the ends of the earth for our child. We flew to New York City to see Dr. Rosenwaks at Cornell. Our first meeting with him went well, he didn't seem to have the best side manner but that didn't matter to me. I wasn't looking for a friend, I was looking for a doctor to get me pregnant. He assured me that I would get pregnant because of my age and no known fertility problems.
We then traveled back to New York in December of 2010 and started my IVF cycle. I was so nervous! I just got nervous staring at all the medication I had to take. I am not one to take medication all the time! I kept wondering, what is all this medication really doing to me? I took a deep breath and said, if I want to be a Mommy, this is what I gotta do! I remember being so nervous for the first shot, it took me about 15 minutes to work up the courage to inject myself. I felt such a relief once it was done and I really thought we are making a baby! My nervousness then turned into excitement!
My stimulation went very well...I quickly developed lots of follicles. Soon it was retrieval day! They retrieved 10 eggs and 8 fertilized. I was sooo excited! They then were tested for SMA and 3 were affected (had SMA) and 5 were carriers. I was so happy but was a little weirded out that none were completely SMA free. After the surgery, I had a lot of pain and could barely go to the bathroom (sorry TMI). I had a feeling that something just wasn't right.
after watching the clock for 5 days, it was time for my embryo report. All 5 SMA carriers made it to day 5 and I was going to implant 2 almost perfect embryos that day. I get to the OR and sit on the table ready to be a Mommy. The doctor does an ultrasound and tells me that I have hyper-stimulated. Which means my ovaries were giant and I had a bunch of fluid. As I sat there in the OR, tears started running down my face. I was so embarrassed that I was sitting there naked and crying in front of my doctor. I felt so vulnerable and let down. They then said we need to freeze them and transfer them next month. I was so disappointed but wanted to do the right thing for my body and future baby.
We flew back to New York City at the end of February for our frozen transfer. The whole month before, I was getting my body prepared in LA for a pregnancy. I had to take two injections a day, one in my stomach and one in my behind (which my hubby had to do and did a great job). Oh, and Estrogen patches which were so itchy! I was so excited because I got to spend my birthday in New York (March 2nd) and thought maybe my birthday wish would come true and I would have a successful transfer.
March 4th came and it was transfer day. I had to wait for the call in the morning to see if my embryos (babies) thawed okay. I was so nervous, I went to sleep at 4am that night. They called and the two they were transferring thawed and were ready to transfer. The feeling I felt was unexplainable, I really felt I was going to become a Mommy that day. Here is a picture of my embryos....
They transferred them....the feeling was overwhelming. I said to myself, I am a Mommy! I then flew home a few days later . During those first few days, I felt so much going on in my stomach. I knew they implanted. At home, I couldn't help myself and I took several HPT's. My husband thought I was losing my mind! I just had to know! Well, I got a faint positive at about 9 days after the transfer. I was soooooo excited, it really felt surreal. A day before my official blood pregnancy at the doctor, I took another HPT and noticed it looked lighter. I knew something was very wrong at that point and I just felt different. I went in for my blood pregnancy test the next day and it came back at 46. I was excited but kept thinking about the lines on the pregnancy getting lighter. I knew my baby was gone.....2 days later I went in for another blood pregnancy test and it went down to 9. Again, I got that dreaded phone call and felt once again that all our dreams have having a family were gone. I thought, what is wrong with me?
More bad news came after that, I was informed that my three remaining embryos were not good quality and they don't recommend transferring them. My heart was broken and I felt so lost. All of this time, emotions, and money was all for NOTHING!!!
I need a break.....
I started researching IVF doctors in LA and came across Dr. March. We went to see him for a consultation and immediately loved him! He was so kind and explained everything in a way we could understand, it was a nice change. He suggested that I do an HSG test since I had a previous failed IVF. An HSG is were they inject dye into your uterus and take x-ray pictures. Well, he found some abnormalities and suggested that I have surgery before I try another cycle. Again. I felt so lost and let down.
I had surgery last week and Dr. March said he has now made "my house" ready for a baby. They don't call him the "Uterus Doctor" for nothing.
My next IVF journey will be starting soon and I will be documenting my journey. IVF is not something many women talk about, especially the emotional part. I think it is important for all of us to stick together and support each other. I couldn't have gotten through this so far with out support from my husband, SMA friends and friends going through IVF. It has been one of the hardest trials in my life. I know in my heart that it will happen one day and I will be the Mommy that I am longing to be!
I know it will happen for you! And I think it is wonderful that you are being so honest and sharing about this emotional journey. Sending positive baby thoughts your way!!!
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